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Job Search Autopsy

    

Fellow Jobseekers,

    Now that I have cried and beat myself up, I have decided to perform a Job search autopsy. I’m smart, I’m personable, I’m capable, I have experience but I don’t have a job and getting one looks pretty bleak. Ahhhh…no no no! THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER. I WILL FIND A JOB.

     First of all, it is hard to look at your resume critically. Editing your own work is difficult, especially since you have worked and reworked it a million times and you think it couldn’t possibly get any better. If you’re like me, you think “I’d hire someone with a resume like this” and indeed you would!

     So, I’m looking at this resume. I have already had everyone I know look at and dissect it, so I am on my own. First, I go line by and ask myself “Is this really who I am”? If the answer is no, I rewrite. I didn’t have to do that too much.

 Then, I looked at my accomplishments and asked if they were really truly saying something. I found one that was total fluff and rewrote it. I checked formatting and font, dates, etc., and everything else was fine.

    After the resume check, I went on to my networking profile. Let me say this: I do not network. I have six people to whom I am connected on my LinkedIn page and one is a relative. I check LinkedIn regularly for news and job postings but I have yet to get the hang of the people portion of it. I will be honest; I do not have very many friends. My Facebook page is pretty weak too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a great person. I am nice. I take an interest in people, but once I walk away from them…well…it is pretty much over until we happen to meet again. My Twitter account is more of the same. I do not know why I am like this, but since I kind of like being this way and I cannot afford therapy, I am just going to have to find a better way to uhh…network.

 So, next, is the time I spend job hunting. I can clock that at least 40 hours a week so that’s fine.

Here is an area where I may be lacking: I always include a cover letter but I am not always confident about what I say. Here is a sample of the first paragraph:

Dear Hiring manager:

Re: Posting 675h7y7ee

Your recent posting on JobCrank.com, for an Operations Support Coordinator, immediately captured my interest. My ideal job allows access to greater career opportunities within the same company; therefore, I am particularly interested in the position at DeVry.  I am confident that my degree in project management, along with strong prioritization skills, provides me with the capabilities to successfully fulfill this position.

For some reason this makes me feel uncomfortable. The second half is just as cringe worthy.

The career experience that most illuminates my ability to work in an administrative capacity can be found in my last position as Divisional Manager for a busy telecommunications facility in Japan. There, I supervised and coordinated support initiatives and was a part of a team that implemented risk analysis procedures; participated in more than 20 cutting edge technical projects and earned multiple awards for performance. As an Information Systems Technician, I learned to navigate standard and proprietary software with little to no instruction. Finally, liaising with high level government officials has provided the poise and understanding of decorum necessary to build beneficial vendor and client relationships.

And the closing…

I believe my excellent communication skills, upbeat, yet professional personality and acute attention to detail will serve as an asset to your team.  I thoroughly enjoy being productive. If you agree that my qualifications, skills and enthusiasm would make me a strong addition to your team, please call me anytime at (555) 555-555 or email Joblessnotaloser@gmail.com to set up a meeting. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely & Respectfully,
Not a Loser

What is wrong with this??? I just cannot quite figure it out. I find it embarrassing.

There are more areas that I autopsied, but for the sake of time, I will stop here and post the rest at a later date. I welcome all ideas and suggestions

Sincerely,

Not a Loser

I Need a Break from Optimism

Fellow Job Seekers,

I am tired and downright frustrated. Feeling lousy? That's me. Feeling blue? That's me. Is it you, too? Today I want to vent and maybe tomorrow as well. I need a break from optimism. I have put on a brave face for far too long. I need to strip it off and admit I'm scared, I'm sad, and at this very moment, I feel like giving up. I just know I can't be alone, so I want to invite you all to vent with me. Can we get mad for just a little while? Let it all out before we get back to the grind of looking for the job that does not seem to care whether or not we find it?

Are you tired of this?

3/5/2013

Dear Jobless:

Thank you for your interest in our Account Manager position. After careful review of your resume, we have decided to consider other candidates at this time.

Although you were not selected, please feel free to inquire about other open or future opportunities that we may have here at The Most Fabulous Company for Which to Work.

We wish you the best of success in your employment search.

Regards,

Human Resources
The Most Fabulous Company for Which to Work

How about this little gem?

Hi Jobless,

Thank you for your time and interest. After serious consideration, the hiring manager has decided to pursue other candidates for that particular role. If you are still interested in other opportunities with Amazon, feel free to apply to any postings listed on our job board at www.thebestjobintheworld.com.

We wish you well in your pursuit of new opportunities and thank you for your interest in our company.

Thank you,

Aaron

I have changed the names to protect the innocent, I promise. The innocent, who sometimes, I wonder how they have jobs and I don't. Screw you Aaron!

Ohhhh and those freaking phone interviews! Smug asses on the other side asking you shit you should probably be asking them. "Tell me about a time when you failed at something." Why don't tell me about a time when you got punched in the face!? Oh, you can't think of a time? Then come over here. I'll give you a real recent one. 'Tell me why you want to work at the best company in the world." Hmmm... Let me think...Cause I'm effing broke!

Yeah yeah, I know I shouldn't be complaining. At least I have my health...until the stress induced heart disease kicks in.

And thank you blogger folks. All of your advice about polishing the resume, networking, having a positive attitude is certainly helping. Not! Oh what was that? “First impressions are lasting impressions”? Thanks child genius; that, I will remember forever and forever and for-effing-ever!

I could go on forever. I really could, and maybe I should, but creating this blog has made me feel at bit better. I have to get back to "work".

If anyone out there, anyone at all, is sick of

Thank you for applying.

If your background and qualifications seem to be a fit with our current needs, we will contact you shortly. We wish you the best of luck in your career search!

Thank you!

or, any of the above mentioned responses to your real deal attempts to find a job, please feel free to post your experience and let me know that I'm not alone.

Sincerely,

Not a Loser